Define Kiss...
* Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.
* Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
* Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
* Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
* Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.
* Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
* Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
* Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.
* Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
* Prof. of Computer Science:
What is a kiss? It looks to be an undefined variable.
Close to my heart
I walk down the street.
there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
---------------------------------------
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
Bit it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
---------------------------------------
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in....it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
---------------------------------------
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
---------------------------------------
I walk down another street.
My Colonoscopy
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.
1. "I should be in charge," said the brain,
"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
2. "I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
3. "I should be in charge," said the stomach,"
Because I process food and give all of you energy."
4. "I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
5. "I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss..
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge
phonva par Not aur What ki baatcheet
William Knott : Who's calling?
The answer to the telephone.
Watt : Watt.
William Knott : What is your name, please?
Watt : Watt's my name.
William Knott : That's what I asked you. What's your name?
Watt : That's what I told you. Watt's my name.
A long pause, and then from Watt,
Watt : Is this James Brown?
William Knott : No, this is Knott.
Watt : Please tell me your name.
William Knott : Will Knott.
You left the talkers at a point here they were totally confused, read
the rest of what happened....
Watt : Why not?
William Knott : Huh? What do you mean why not?
Watt : Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?
William Knott : But I told you my name!
Watt : Didn't you say you will not?
William Knott : Not not, Knott, Will Knott!
Watt : That's what I mean.
William Knott : So you know my name.
Watt : Of course not!
William Knott : Good. So now, what is yours?
Watt : Watt, Yours?
William Knott : Your name!
Watt : Watt's my name.
William Knott : How the hell do I know? I am asking you!
Watt : Look I have been very patient and I have told you my name and
you have not even told me yours yet.
William Knott : You have been patient, what about me? I have told you
my name so many times and it is you who have not told me yours yet.
Watt : Of course not!
William Knott : See,you even know my name!
Watt : Of course,not!
William Knott : Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?
Watt : Because I don't.
[ Pause ]
William Knott: What is your name?
Watt: See, you know my name!
William Knott: Of course not!
Watt : Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?
William Knott: To find out your name!
Watt: But you already know it!
William Knott : What?
Watt : See, and you know mine!
William Knott: Of course not!
Watt: Exactly!
Now they are at a point where both think the other knows their name,
but they themselves don't know the other's name.
William Knott : Listen, listen,wait; if I asked you what your name
is, what will be your answer?
Watt: Watt's my name.
William Knott : No, no give me only one word.
Watt : Watt
William Knott : Your name!
Watt : Right!
(Pause before it hits him)
William Knott : Oh, Wright!
Watt : Yeah!
William Knott : So why didn't you say it before?
Watt : I told you so many times!
William Knott : You never said Wright before.
Watt : Of course I did.
William Knott: Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?
Watt : I do not.
William Knott : Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.
Watt : I do not!
William Knott : Good!
(Pause before it hits him)
Watt : Oh,Guud!
William Knott : Good.
Watt : No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?
William Knott : No, it's Knott!
Watt : Oh.Okay.At least the names are clear now Guud.
William Knott : Yes Wright.
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends.
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here.
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet.
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia..... why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask.
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years.
Stupid Question:- Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask.
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call.
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in
Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping... you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair.
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth.
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks.
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
MunnaBhai M.C.A.
Paras Gautam
appun jaise tappori s/w Engg. ko kya maalum...
saala programming kis chidiya kaa naam hai...
template me subclassing karke apanaa timepass hota hai....
copy paste kaa kaam miltaa hai bass appun khush...!!!
fir yeh coding kaa lafdaa locha kaiko?
are kaiko ?
arre kaiko re?
fir ek din boleto appun ko project mila.....
ya haaaaaaaaaa!!!!
saala appun ka khopdi chakkar kha gaya ...
computer ke saath dil saala takkar kha gayaa...!!!
appun ko lagaa appun kaa beda paar ho gaya...
boleto baap saala appun ko bhi kaam mil gaya...!!!
din bhar appun computer ke aagge...
koi lafdaa nahi kuch nahi...
tin din naa Raghu se raada na Abbhi se pangaa
bass choop chaap...
appun kaa bhidulog saala dar gaya...
bola kya be manya saala tu bhi programmer bann gaya...!!!
phir ek din appun ko kaam kartaa dekh vikya bola...
ye munnabhai kya coding bana rela hai baap...!!!
vikya ko pakdaa... bola idhar aa shahane tereko coding seekhataa hai... saale ko itnaa dhoyaa itnaa dhoyaa... abhi tak thobdaa waakadaa hai ... aur aaj tak uska forms ke saath chattis kaa aakdaa hai...!!!
samzaa ...?
samzaa...?
samzaaa naa...?
(fir ...? fir kya huwa..?)
fir ek din appun ne coding poora kar diya...
form poora karke appun ne testing ko bhej diya...!!!
lagataa tha ab appun kaa kaam khatam ho gaya...!!!
par DTS me issues dekhake sala appun darr gaya...!!!
appun ke saamne tester ne mere coding me ki galtiyaa nikali... aapun ke coding ki poori waat laga di.... appun udharich khadaa thaa... par appun kuch nahi bola... kaiko bolega? kaiko...?
saala ek, ek kaam kiya thaa... usme bhi itne bugs...
par appun ek aansu nahi roya...
kaiko royega...?
kaiko..?
saala appunich yedaa thaa naa...!!!
agale din se phir wohi life chalu...
wohi gande mails forward karnaa, wohi messages, wohi template, wohi assignments... saala itnaa mails forward kiya...itnaa mails forward kiya... log samze mail server down hoyega... bhoolneka hai bhoolneka hai par kya karega...!!!
training milke bhi jab kaam nahi miltaa hai...
haa thoda bore huwa par chaltaa hai...
(phir ...? phir kya huwa..?)
fir ...?
fir kya...?
fir agale din appun ko aur ek project mila...!!!
shaappak...
saala appun ka khopdi phir chakkar kha gaya ...
computer ke saath dil saala phir takkar kha gayaa...!!!
ho ho ho hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Lesson Number Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able
to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I
haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some
of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with
nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found
that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest
branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night,
there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he
was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
the tree.
Management Lesson?
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Those "night outs",
those "midnight coffees",
those "b'day bumps",
those "old torn jeans",
those "late night walks",
those "long chats",
those "pinches n slaps",those "crushes on pals",
those "getting kicked out of classes"
those "struggle 4 marks",
those "writing on desks"
those "fight with teachers",
those "tear 4 love"
Just everything....thats college.
Indepandence Day
By Rajiv Walia
Mai aur Ashish aur hamari tanhaai.
Aksar chat par baitha karte,
aur ladkiyon ko dekha karte.
Ek din achaanak toofan aaya,
saamne waali aunty ne hum par,
nazron ka teer chalaaya.
Itne main aunty ki beti ne,
saath waali khidki se,
chalaane ko teer uthaaya.
Yeh dekh uss ki maa tanik sharmaai,
aur uss ne apni nazar chupai,
Itne mai hamaari padosan,
hamaare liye chaaye le aayi.
Phir humne doosri aur nazar ghumaai,
wahaan bhi hamne ek maa aur usski beti paai.
Yeh dekh hamaari aankhhen bhar aayi.
Hume kya pata tha,
aazaadi ka din iss tarha manaya jaayega,
maa aur beti ka naya andaaz saamne aayega.
Would You Remarry?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks a bold question.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit"
Cheers!!
KLPD :)
Software Engineer
by: Paras Gautam
There was a good old barber in Bangalore. One day a florist goes to him
for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber
replies:
I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community
Service.Florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a
"Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber
He again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leavesthe shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is
another"Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.
A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the
barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he
finds there.....
A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with
Printouts of forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut.
KLPD of IT Proffessionals
1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to Produce a baby .
and lastly.................
9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby.
Cheers!!
Positive Attitude
Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"
Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive
Very Touching Story
A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in
love with a guy who was a cleaner.
When the girl's father came to know about their love, he did not
like it at all, and so began to protest about it.
Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes
for a happy future. The girl's father started searching for the two
lovers but could not find them.
At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home in
a local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come back I will
allow you to marry the guy you love, I accept that you loved each
other truly."
So in this way, their love won and they returned home.
The couple went to town to shop for the wedding dress. He was
dressed in white shirt that day. While he was crossing the road to the
other side to get some drinks for his wife, a car came and hit him and he died on the spot. The girl lost her senses. It was only after sometimes that she recovered from her shock. The funeral and cremation was the very next day because he had died horribly.
Two nights later, the girl's mother had a dream in which she saw an
old lady. The old lady asked her mother to wash the blood stains of the guy from her daughter's dress as soon as possible. But her mother
ignored the dream.
The next night her father had the same dream, he also ignored it.
Then when the girl had the same dream the next night, she woke up in
fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother asked her to wash
the clothes which have blood stains immediately.
she washed the stains but some remained. Next night she again had
the same dream she again washed the stains but some still remained.
Next night she again had the same dream and this time the old lady
gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain, or else something
terrible will happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the
stains, and the clothes nearly tore, but some stains still remained.
She was very tired.
In the late evening the same day while she was alone at home,
someone knocked the door. When she opened the door she saw the same old lady of her dream standing at her door. She got very scared and fainted.
The old lady woke her up... and gave her a blue object, which
shocked the girl. She asked "What is this...?"
The old lady replied...
"Try Surf Excel Washing powder... just a dab and it will remove all
stubborn stains!!!" .
I know how you all are feeling now... I have been through this too.
But don't look at me like that .. I'm also hunting for the
one who mailed this to me!
Cheers!!
Ho Gayi Naa KLPD
Funny Hindi Meanings!!
01. CRICKET: Gol guttam lakad battam de danadan
pratiyogita
02. CRICKET TEST MATCH : Pakad dandu, maar mandu, de
danaadan pratiyogita
03. TABLE TENNIS : Lakdi ke phalak shetra pe le takaatak
de takaatak
04. LAWN TENNIS : Harit Ghaas par le tada tad, de tada
tad
05. LIGHT BULB : Vidyut Prakashak Kanch golak
06. TIE : Kanth Langoti
07. MATCH BOX : Ragdampatti Agni Utpaadan Peti
08. TRAFFIC SIGNAL : Aavat Jaavat Suchak Jhandaa
09. TEA : Dugdh Jal Mishrit Sharkara Yukt
Parvatiya(pahaadi) Booti
11. TRAIN : Sahasra Chakra Louh Path Gaamini
12. ALL ROUTE PASS : Yatr Tatr Sarvatr Gaman Aagya Patr
13. RAILWAY SIGNAL : Loh Path Gamini Suchak Yantra, Agni
Rath Aava Gaman Soochak Pattika, Louh path gaamini aawagaman suchak yantra
16. RAILWAY STATION : Bhabhka Adda, Vidyut-rath
17. BUTTON : Ast Vyast Vastra Niyantrak
18. MOSQUITO : Gunjanhaari Manav Rakt Pipasu Jeev
19. CIGARETTE : Shweta patra mandit dhumra shalakha
Cheers!!
Rajiv Walia
Father & Son
A father overhears his son praying before going to bed "God Bless Grandma." The next day Grandma passes away. That night the father hears the boy praying "God Bless Grandpa." The next day Grandpa passes away. That night he hears his son praying "God Bless Daddy." Buring the whole next day the father is very edgy and when he returns home he tells his wife what a terrible day he had. The wife says "You think you had a terible day, this morning our milkman dropped dead at our front door!"
Cheers!!
Rajiv Walia
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting yourcoffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list ...
Cheers !!!
Ashish G
1. KLPD (klpd_klsd@yahoogroups.com) is a group of close friends who were also class mates in the collage time. Destiny always plays pranks with them. But they are enjoying their lifes and share their feelings here by publishing funny jokes and poems using (klsd-welcome) username-password. You can also write something here by using given username and password.
2. DilsePoem is created for wonderful Lovers & Broken Hearts. You all can share your feelings with everyone by publishing articles here using (fruitNnuts-welcome) username-password. dilsepoem.blogspot.com
Thanks & Regards
Rajiv Walia
Some important laws which Newton Forgot to State....
1. LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
2. LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
3. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
4. LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
5. LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
7. LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine wont work, it will!
9. LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
11. LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
I am sure this applys to many of us....
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.
Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to hot coffee.
When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said:
"If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. It is, but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress .
What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and were eyeing each other's cups.
Now if life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee in it." So, don't let the cups drive you... enjoy the coffee instead.
Cheers !!!
Ashish
apni to kam-shala masti ki kam-shala
na koi kam karne wala
na koi appraisal pane wala
apni to kam-shala masti ki kam-shala
apni to kam-shala masti ki kam-shala
kaisa ye sannata hai...
kam kyun nahi koi karta hai..
Charo aur machta Shor hai.
har koi kam chor hai...
(Drum beats...)
phokat ki sub khate hai..
mail check kar, chale jate hai..
kuch fwd ki kuch receive ki
jo kam ki nahi use delete ki..
(Drum beats...)
NO work load
NO work load (In place of Loose Control)
NO- NO
NO work Load
apni to kam-shala masti ki kam-shala
apni to kam-shala masti ki kam-shala
Bench per rahane se sikhi humne Makkari
Project ke kam se hogye hum Sarkari
Aakho main ek sapna hai
Amir sub ko ban-na hai
Kam na karne ki humari Aadat hai
Yahi to humari asli Daulut hai.
NO work load
NO work load
apni to kam-shala masti ki kam-shala
apni to kam-shala masti ki kam-shala
Maine tumhare yadon mein ro ro ke tub bhar diya
Magar tum itne bewafa nikle, ki naha ke chal diye
Duniya Se Jo Darre, Usse Kaayar Kehte Hain
Duniya Jisse Darre, Usse Shaayar Kehte Hain
Nahin lag sakta kabhi maikhane main taala
Ek nahin..do nahin...Saara shahar hai peene waala
Voh sadak ke us paar thhe, hum sadak ke is paar thhe
kuch hum aage badhe, kuch voh aage badhe
hum kuch aur aage badhe, voh kuch aur aage badhe
phir hum sadak ke us paar thhe, voh sadak ke is paar thhe
Rajiv Walia
HI walia ! And Hi to all of you.
Good job Man. I want to give you new name. Mr.SEO. Lekin yaar tu mere ghar nahi aaya.Sunday ko aana tha. Pyar se aaja nahi to you know me....
Rest is fine .Anoop bhe phone kar raha tha aaj tak nahi aaya.what is this man.Atleast anoop yaha to message karde ya kar. Tera Haath tiet hea kea. kuch yaad aaya.. ok bye 4 now.
From:-Vinay Kochhar
Hi All
Now every one can be editor and write his views with given user name and pwd :
UserName=klsd
Password=welcome
1. Open www.blogger.com
2. Enter this username and pwd
3. Click on "KLPD"
4. Click on "posting" (top left side)
5. Write the materialclick on "publish post" (at bottom)
6. After that open http://klpdgroup.blogspot.com
7. Your artical will appear on this page.
Rajiv Walia